Women are not requiring enough from the men who want to date us. And we take far too long to leave.

Now playing: Lauryn Hill’s “Ex-Factor”

I’ve had some version of the same conversation with so many Black women in my life:

A man will show interest.

He’ll call and text and maybe even want to go on dates. He’ll be responsive and attentive. He’ll do the basics that require nothing from him.

But he won’t be emotionally ready.

Or physically ready.

Or mentally ready.

Or financially ready.

Or any kind of steady.

But he’ll still want to date

.… from his mother’s/grandmother’s/sister’s/girlfriend’s/wife’s house

.… from his air mattress with flat pillows and one sheet

.… from his brand-new car with $600 payments because his credit is shot

.… from the hovel he calls a home.

(And, yes, men with a girlfriend (or wife)—whose name is on the lease—are still trying to date other women.)

And we give these men chances to become the man they should be.

And we excuse their shortcomings,

And we ignore their weaknesses,

And we overlook their issues,

Because men are supposedly in short supply.

(Even though mamas’ basements are overflowing with stay-at-home sons.)

So to say we’re in a relationship—because isn’t there an imbalance?—we accept what we shouldn’t allow.

And I’m tired.

I’m tired of hearing Black women tell the same stories about so many different men.

I’m tired of men with nothing to offer but hard dick, hard luck, and hard times.

I’m tired of men with “potential.”

But we wait so long and accept so much that the men don’t realize they’re inadequate.

And that’s on us.

I challenge Black women to ask better questions and accept the responses without interpretation.

1. Ask him about his goals. Make sure he has specific answers.

2. Ask him what he sees in his future. (You’re checking his imagination here.)

3. Ask questions about his finances. (You can’t be a gold digger if he ain’t got no gold.)

4. Expect that he will meet all the standards that you do.

5. Chile, make sure he can read and write and spell. (You’d be surprised how many children got left behind.)

Most importantly, though, stop being stupid just to be in a relationship.