… about the time T. D. Jakes spent Father’s Day dogging mothers

So, on Father's Day, when T. D. Jakes was supposed to be celebrating and uplifting Black fathers, he instead was criticizing and condemning Black mothers.

Coincidentally, though, when T.D. Jakes was ten years old, his own father was diagnosed with kidney failure and until the end of his life, T.D. Jakes' mother cared for her husband and her family by herself... which effectively made her a single parent, so I wonder where his own mother falls into his sermonic scorn.

Cause I'm sure he ain't come for her like he's coming for us.

In his "sermon," he says a few things: (1) we're raising women to be men, (2) we celebrate women for being "tough, rough, nasty, mean, aggressive, hateful, possessive," (3) women are climbing the corporate ladder and losing their families, (4) and women are not creating "a need for [a man] to pour into" so the man is going to leave.

So let's talk about it.

So points one + two: Black women are raising other Black women to be men, and men, apparently, are "tough, rough, nasty, mean, aggressive, hateful, and possessive."

First of all, who's raising these women? He doesn't say, so I'm going to assume he's addressing women. So, obvious question, where are the men? Why aren't fathers teaching their daughters softness and sweetness?

And then Jakes describes masculinity, but in a way that's both problematic and damaging: nasty? aggressive? hateful? Is that what it means to be a man? Is this what men aspire to?

Because that sounds like a traumatic existence.

And as long as we believe manhood is just that: traumatic, we will continue to raise sons who believe guns and gangs, drugs and death, violence and viciousness are manly traits.

And they're not. And neither is femininity.

But does that mean a woman can't be feminine if she's aggressive? Or tough? Or even rough?

Cause she can.

In fact, the Bible is full of rough, aggressive, and possessive women. The five daughters of Zelophehad who came before Moses and demanded their inheritance after their father's death? Aggressive.
The two midwives who hid Israelite babies? Possessive.
The woman who drove a stake through a man's head? Tough. The woman who pushed and pressed and persevered her way to Jesus? Rough.
The woman who stood up to Jesus? No, correction, the WOMEN who stood up to Jesus? Also, aggressive.
The woman who hid Israelite spies and demanded salvation for her service? She was tough.

The reality, is, though, Black women have never had the luxury of being soft and simple and submissive. Life never allowed that for us.

But we're taking it back now. For ourselves, though. Not in service to someone else.

And a lot of men are scared that women have realized we can survive and thrive while single and safe and socioeconomically secure.

Point three: Women are climbing the corporate ladder and losing their families.

First of all, what does this even mean? And why would a man complain about his wife earning their household more money? Unless his masculinity or manhood is tied up in her being less important, significant, or contributory than he is. Chile, you'd think two incomes would be a good thing for a marriage.

But when men are taught that they have to be the breadwinners, the bacon-bringer-homers, the heads-of-the-household, the priests-of-the-household, and the big piece of chicken without any training or instruction on what that looks like and, more importantly, what it requires, we get this: men who can't handle sharing the load of leadership and family.

And these women aren't leaving their husbands. I'd bet good money these husbands are cheating with women who make them feel "like a man," which is a woman who doesn't ask questions or have an opinion or have standards or have a voice.

So men don't want marriage. They want a mute.

The last point, point four, resonates with me. I've had men tell me that I don't need them, so they don't know what they could offer me. And I'm embarrassed to admit the time I spent trying to convince these men that I needed them.

But a man who doesn't know what he offers is a man with nothing to offer.

And we need to take men at their word.

Black men have had to figure out what it means to be a man without the traditional indicators: wealth, money, status, independence, but this also means Black women have always shared the load of household and financial responsibilities. Black women have always worked right alongside their husbands, and then still came back to the house and made it a home.

But now it's a problem that Black women are demanding a return on their equal investment?

Black men are taking issue with Black women's voices when we've always used those voices to speak up for Black men?

Black men are taking issue with Black women's aggression when that same aggression has functioned in service to Black men's freedom?

Black men are taking issue with Black women's possessiveness when that same possessiveness has been Black men's protection?

Black men are taking issue with Black women's toughness when that same toughness has been the lifeblood of the Black community?

Toughness is what kept T. D. Jakes' mama from leaving her whole family. Aggression is what kept her working and raising kids. Roughness is the hand she was dealt, and she still played it. Possessive is what she felt about her husband and kids. Meanness was the face she wore to keep from breaking down.

Dear Black men, we wanna let y'all lead, but you gotta be worth the follow.

And we do need y'all. We need you for companionship and care and conversation and conjugality. We need y'all for support when we want to lay our heads on your broad shoulders. We need y'all to share the housework and the homework. We need y'all to show up and show out for us like we do for y'all.

And we need y'all to figure it out amongst yourselves. And leave us out of it.